She said, "Stop singing!", "Be quiet!"
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Hi there, Reader!
Our past experiences shape how we live our lives unless we consciously decide to change our trajectory. ~ Molly Adkins That's a big statement. I have experienced it over and over again. At age 58, I am STILL hearing the voices of my mother and my music teachers in my head that created a shy, insecure child and young adult. My mother did her best, but she was stressed out due to her own unresolved childhood trauma, which in turn created inner emotional conflict for me. She would brag to her friends about how musically gifted I was, how well I sang and played the piano. But at home she said, "Do you have to sing so loud?", "Do you have to play the same thing over and over again?" She praised me for being quiet, and so I was quiet made myself small and quiet. Then there was my music teacher. Finally, I thought I could sing without making myself small; I could work on my vocal skills. But no. She said, "Stop singing" to me...in class...in front of everyone. I will never know why. Was I off pitch? Was I too loud? Too afraid to ask, I sang quietly and made myself small again. The trauma doesn't stop there. Hard to believe, but I did eventually became a voice major in university. By then, I had EXTREME stage fright. I was EXTREMELY introverted. In performance class, I cried, shook, felt sick, felt numbness in my fingers. And my voice teacher said, "You don't have to sing". I took that as being dismissed, not valued as much as her other students. I didn't know how to speak up for myself, and as a result, I continued to cave in upon myself. Crazy to think that I kept coming back to singing. I became a Japanese folk song singer in Japan. I did my MA in ethnomusicology with research about the voice. I became a sound healing instructor teaching others how to use their voices in sessions. Voice work has a magnetic pull that kept me coming back for more. Looking back over my life, I can see 3 points that have supported me in my change from frightened girl to confident sound healing practitioner:
Knowing what I know now about the science of sound healing, these points are not surprising to me at all. Originally, I did not understand it was the vibration of my own voice that was helping me heal the inner wounds from being told to stop singing, to be quiet, to not perform. I am truly grateful for the experiences that lead me to this very moment of writing this message today. Because of my experiences, I can empathize with and guide my students in using their own voice for healing from the inside out. I can be confident and keep showing up in my business despite that little girl periodically popping up and telling me it is safer to draw back, cave in, be small. Instead, I "sing" her aside and put adult-me back in control. I am singing loud and proud! How about you? When is a time when you let child-you be in control instead of adult-you? How do you get back in the driver's seat, back in control of your destination? Molly Molly Adkins Business Mentor for Sound Healing Practitioners |
